Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
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[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
…żyje?
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.