Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
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Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
best first i’ve ever seen
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”