When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
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I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.