When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
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No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
im 7 sauces long
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories