@Social_Mime: When I want to trim down my friend's list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
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@spicy_peen: How do people in the movies dig 6-foot deep graves with a shovel? I got tired digging a hole to plant a bush
@ericsshadow: If being successful was an amusement park, I'm the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can't get out.
@Reverend_Scott: [sees cute girl jog by] "Imma run up and ask her out" [one block later still not caught up] "Ok, wow, we probably weren't soul mates anyway"
@dafloydsta: WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff ME: Okay [later] WIFE: What the hell? [dog walks by in a tuxedo] ME: He's getting married, Karen