When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
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My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy