When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
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Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive