I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
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If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
why no one uses midhusbands
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter