For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
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ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Best spot.. 😅
So, can we agree on 4 or