@dukelongboard: When I was 13 my dad gave me a bunch of socks n said "I heard u grunting in ur room last night, do it into these" So now I poop into socks
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@HairyJew4Life: Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years? Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.
@Book_Krazy: Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again Her: Sorry I didn't invite you. It was a small ceremony Me: Its ok. I'll go to your next one
@iamspacegirl: [after blowing out all the candles on my cake] him: Did you wish for world peace again? me: haha of course. *A WILD SQUIRTLE APPEARS*
@johnfreiler: T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
@Sickayduh: Professor: "Did you just show up drunk to my exam?" No way "Hungover then?" Nope "There's a lime wedge on your face"
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