@dukelongboard: When I was 13 my dad gave me a bunch of socks n said "I heard u grunting in ur room last night, do it into these" So now I poop into socks
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@PaperWash: Noah build an ark "what? why" I'm gunna flood the earth "just give me fish powers" [jealous he didn't think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
@_mindflakes: We can put a man on the moon, but can we put a lobster in a postbox? Top scientists say: "stop calling here"
@Home_Halfway: Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say "Over there."
@panmidwest: How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.