‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
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Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?