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Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Awwwww shit.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.