@Eagle_Vision: When I was 16 years old, the morning of my birthday, my parents tried to surprise me with a car, but they missed.
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@BritXMeh: My spouse reminds me of He-Man. He also sits around in his pants all day, needs a haircut and has a weird relationship with his sister.
@MooseAllain: My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
@TheMichaelRock: Coworker: What's your phone number? *looks up from phone* Me: I don't have a phone. *looks down at phone* Coworker....
@jackmackenroth: I'm taking my mother-in-law to the new Resident Evil movie because she's staying with me and I love subliminal messages.