God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
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I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Every time.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.