Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
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My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.