When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
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Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
A fake ID that makes you younger
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.