@Cpin42: When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
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@BeardSpice: [God creating spiders] What if I made a tiny land octopus that could walk on walls?
@UNTRESOR: The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
@Donnie_Fairburn: Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That's what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
@curlycomedy: Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.