When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
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I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
<—- homeless romantic
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.