When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
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This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”