When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
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*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Bro what is this
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.