When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
You Might Also Like
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…