When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
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Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all