when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
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It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog