“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
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Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.