“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
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More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.