@Jacob_Swift16: When I was a child someone shot me with a flare gun and I've been absolutely fabulous ever since
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@LackOfShame: Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
@ibid78: [me] if all dogs go to heaven, then what about Cujo? [the pope] how did you get into my bathroom?
@jctwritesstuff: The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don't take him out.