@Jacob_Swift16: When I was a child someone shot me with a flare gun and I've been absolutely fabulous ever since
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@dafloydsta: NURSE: What's your blood type? ME: Oh, I'm not picky. I'll drink any kind. NURSE: What? ME: What?
@IamEnidColeslaw: The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
@hummusandpizza: at a work conference yesterday we were asked why people don’t ask to work from home more. we could send answers anonymously and they’d appear on a big screen. one answer read in 72pt font: “because I do not like my children”