Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
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United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably