WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
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KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”