When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
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my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
🙋♀️
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop