When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
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Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
still the best tweet of the year by far
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion