When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
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The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
no cat here
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?