I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
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Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from