When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
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Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
This is Sparta
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Modded the new Gran Turismo
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?