I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
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NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”