When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
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Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
reminder
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.