When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
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Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations