when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
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welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Pickled cat.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.