Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
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Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
i wish i could marry a nap
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you