[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
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daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.