Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
You Might Also Like
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Previously On Persistence 😎
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered