When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
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When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5