When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
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From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
mmm onion ringos
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide