@theevilwriter: When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
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@librarianfonz: Google won't replace librarians. The internet is like giving someone a fire hose when all they asked for was a glass of water.
@DrCephalopod: ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately? ME: yeah, I just finished "How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People" ACQUAINTANCE: I think it's "Influence People" ME: *swinging watch* no it's not FRIEND: you're right buddy, it's not
@MarfSalvador: [Valentine's Day] Me: I got you a bunch of flowers GF: Thanks Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars Me: That’d wreck the economy 5: I just- Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation