When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
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“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.