@theevilwriter: When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
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@PetrickSara: This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days. KID FREE for DAYS! So I licked her face.
@Matt_The_1st: "Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!" *Snatches glass and hands to my wife
@SteveDutzy: Give a man a fish and he'll go to McDonald's instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald's