@JhonRules: when i was a kid my father caught me wearing a ponytail so he sat me down and made me eat an entire steven seagal movie
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@TheMichaelRock: Coworker: I could care less! Me: How much less could you care? Coworker: I don't get it. Me: I noticed.
@nerdyjewishgirl: Re: global warming and the cold weather "Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air."
@Vice_Queen: I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss... and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
@Tbone7219: A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.