When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
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What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
No Google it does not
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
My blood type is coffee.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.