When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
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The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked