When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
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if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
LOL
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.