When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
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[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
📽️movie date🎞️
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*