@imdaintyaf: When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
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@I_Mee_Myself_: My girlfriend just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren't drying I swear to god...
@pixelatedboat: Clinton fan: Emails? That's all you've got? Me: She sold the Saudis the jets that are massacring Yemenis Clinton fan: Emails? That's all you
@Donnie_Fairburn: The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven't seen since high school asking what you've been up to these days
@withanewname: Neighbor: It's July, you need to take down the xmas lights. Me: It's no worse than your stupid yard gnome. Neighbor: That's my wife.