When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
You Might Also Like
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
#SuperBowl
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac