When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
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If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.