When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
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Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
my name if I was in the mob
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.