Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
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Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.