@rad_milk: when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
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@SamGirlSunday: If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I'd have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
@djr_102: Spice up your Facebook timeline when someone's status turns to "It's complicated" by posting "thanks for last night" underneath it.
@TheWriteStuff2u: You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn't looking, I did.
@Parentpains: She said she was burning with desire, so I threw a bucket of water at her. Dating is bullshit.