when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
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Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze