When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
This will teach them to underestimate me
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.