Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
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Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle