When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
You Might Also Like
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
? 💀
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.